Blackout: Remembering the things I Drank to Forget by Sarah Hepola

Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank To Forget by Sarah Hepola

Although I haven't had a drink in almost 6 years, I still need to be reminded why I made that choice.  I knew from page one how painful this book would be for me to read.  The title alone told me what was ahead.

Blackouts.  I'm sure I've had few but I don't remember.  Sarah learned to like beer at a very young age.  I also grew up in a time if I asked my father for a sip of his beer, I'd get one.  I don't think my drinking started until college but maybe its roots run deeper than Thursday nights at the Brathaus.  Oh I forgot, it was high school when my friends and I would sit outside the 7 Eleven until someone would buy us a six pack.  See what alcohol can do.  It makes you forget.

Sarah is brutally honest in this memoir, from hiding a case of beer in her closet, to being the life of the party, and waking up in bed with men she didn't know.  On assignment in Paris, Sarah tells of coming to, in a hotel room with a strange man.  She dresses and leaves only to discover she doesn't have her purse.  Unable to remember her room number, she enlists help from the night concierge.  What happens next, Sarah has never forgotten.  Alcohol is the great manipulator.

Blackout is the story of an alcoholic woman and her road to recovery.  Under the fog of alcohol, life seemed easier, more free and uninhibited.  Giving it up meant Sarah had to be honest with all those things she wanted to forget that were hidden deep inside.  I get that.  The reason that this book was so painful for me, is that even in sobriety, I need to be reminded how far I have come.

Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank To Forget is not a story only for those of us who have walked down Sarah's same path.  Sarah paints a vivid picture of what it is like to be addicted and how hard it is to come out on the other side.  But with the support of many people in every facet of an alcoholic's life, a better life is waiting.  I can clearly remember what it was like to stop drinking and become sober.  Nothing about it was pleasant or fun.  It is that ability to remember that keeps me sober.  And I think Sarah would agree.

Take Me With You by Catherine Ryan Hyde

Take Me With You by Catherine Ryan Hyde

I'm not exactly sure how Take Me With You ended up on my Kindle.  Maybe because the blurb talked about a man, August, who traveled every summer and wanted to go to Yellowstone and ended up with two unexpected passengers for his adventure.  I have a thing about Yellowstone.  Old Faithful is quite spectacular and I've even been known to go to the Old Faithful web cam just to watch it since I'm not there live and in person.

Yellowstone was only a small part of Take Me With You, yet I was not at all disappointed.  The first tear I shed was on about page ten, when I was introduced to August, Wes, the mechanic and Wes' children, Seth and Henry.  August's dog Woody, wiggled his way into my heart too, probably by page eleven. From then on my emotions were kicked into high gear, laughter, tears, fear and surprise.

I couldn't put this book down. I never like to rehash the story lines in my reviews and I won't here either.  What was this book about?  It's about the fact that it takes a village to raise a child, that alcoholism is a disease that can be overcome but it takes alot of hard work to do it, that the love of a good dog can break down barriers and that grief over the loss of a child will never leave but can be healed. And sometimes taking a chance against your better judgement, is worth it in a million ways you never thought about.

August made Seth and Henry feel important, something they never got at home.  Seth and Henry helped August stay strong after the loss of his son and the onset of a debilitating illness.  Together they formed a bond that would never be broken.  Take Me With You touched my soul on so many levels, I never wanted it to end.  I never expected the range of feeling I got in return from reading this book.  It's one that will stay with me for a long time to come.  

Dancing at the Shame Prom:Sharing the Stories that Kept Us Small by Amy Ferris and Holleye Dexter

Dancing at the Shame Prom: Sharing the Stories that Kept Us Small by Amy Ferris and Holleye Dexter

This anthology of stories came recommended by a very dear friend of mine.  She has helped me through many edits of my own stories written for and eventually sold to anthologies.   I happen to love real life stories.

Dancing at the Shame Prom is 27 different essays written by different women with different experiences all with dramatic impact in their lives.  All the stories dealt with shame and the effect of keeping the events hidden from the world.  The effort it took these women to keep such a secret is mind boggling.  The effort it took to reveal their shame to the world, even greater.

I have to admit I found this book very depressing, stories so sad and gut wrenching, I almost gave up on it for good.  And anyone who knows my love of books, knows it takes a lot for me to stop in the middle of a book and put it away forever.  I didn't do that here either and I'm pretty sure I came out the other side better for it.

There are stories of abuse at the hands of men, fathers, relatives, lovers.  Stories of the shame of growing up filthy and poor often occurs when alcohol is at the center of family life. Playmates can never come over for a visit for fear of the secret being uncovered.  The list goes on and on.  And while the stories were painful to read, they are stories we need to know.  The shame can only end when we stand up and help others keep their heads held high.  Let's all help break the cycle.

 

With Or Without You by Domenica Ruta

With or Without You by Domenica Ruta

Thank you to Random House and Netgalley for my Advance Reading Copy.  Release Date February 26, 2013

So many things in With or Without You struck a cord with me.  First off was Nikki's relationship with her mother.  Plain and simple her mother was nuts, aside from the fact she did drugs and alcohol with abandon, wanted her teenage daughter to get pregnant, and made an art of living off welfare. That is until she turned her husband's failing taxi service into a million dollar business. 

Her mother Kathy, loved her, but hated her in the same way.  Nikki was smart, wanted to follow the rules, needed to be accepted.  Kathy figured out how to get Nikki into private boarding school, and herself into a Harvard college extension program.  But eventually she dragged Nikki into her dark work of drugs, cheating and lies. Nikki is a child who is helpless to fight back.    

It is no surprise that Nikki can't keep herself above her mother's addiction.  Pills snorted and swallowed, alcohol consumed by the gallon, hangovers so miserable the only relief comes from more drugs become her way of life.  Yet something inside her longs to stop. One line in the story made me stop, and I'm quoting, " I wasn't an alcoholic.  I had a job, a boyfriend, and a college diploma."  This is the same lie I told myself for years until I found the courage to stop drinking.  Nikki's on again, off again struggle to stay sober resonated deeply.

I'm fascinated by memoirs of women who by some miracle overcome, the overbearing, controlling and addicted mother who has inflicted great pain on the child since birth.  They are stories of the mind overtaking the love that lives in every woman's heart. Self gratification taking the place of a mother's instinct to nurture is concept I want to understand.  Maybe it's the reason I find so much sympathy in this kind of novel.  The incredibly deep soul searching it took to write such a story, is what makes the tale so brilliant. It is also what allowed Nikki to overcome. I love success stories.

 

Chanel Bonfire by Wendy Lawless

Chanel Bonfire by Wendy Lawless

I can relate.  No, I didn't have a mother who wore designer clothes, or who got a condo at the Dakota in New York for a $1 as a divorce settlement.  She didn't drink all day or lock us in the bathroom.  But she could throw some pretty good fits that would leave us scared half out of our minds. And she could say some pretty mean things and play with our heads.  All this happened to me in the 1960's and 70's amid Beatles and Elton John, hiphuggers and bellbottoms, the same backdrop as that of Wendy Lawless and her mother in the blue peignoir.

The author captured her mother's jet-setting, booze filled life so perfectly because she lived it right along with her without a choice.  We watched Wendy grow up from an innocent child, to a mischievous teenager all without parental guidance and direction.  We watched her lose her way as she entered college without much of a plan.  And we watched her stand up to her mother's controlling behavior and blossom into strong and beautiful woman. 

Chanel Bonfire paints a true picture of mental illness and how it affects the family unit.  In Wendy's case "family unit" is a real stretch.  How she and her sister were even able to come out of such a childhood alive is a miracle.  Yet I understood Wendy's actions and reactions to everything that happened. 

This story is real.  The setting, the illness, the emotions, all real and true.  Ms. Lawless has written a powerful and engaging account of a life overshadowed by an addiction and illness we will never understand.   

Back To My Roots

Books are piling up on my shelf again. I'm back to feeling helpless when it comes to resisting them.  Is it that when I ordered a keyboard cover for my new laptop on Amazon, I had to order a few books in order to get free shipping? Or that while attending the Florida Writers Association conference a couple weeks ago, I couldn't resist shopping in the bookstore.  Or is it that I've felt a new surge in writing lately and when I go to the bookstore for some peace, I'm overwhelmed by all the new books out for Christmas.

All of the above.  I also snuck in a few new titles on my Kindle.  The other day while dusting in the dining room, I saw the books that grace the shelves there. I'd forgotten about them. We don't eat in the dining room very often, only when we have company.  Now I'm feeling overwhelmed by books again. 

That got me to thinking why I started writing this blog to begin with.  Addiction.  I seemed to think that hoarding books was harmless.  I loved to read, what harm could it be.  Yet I foolishly spent money on things I didn't use.  Armloads of books sat silently on my shelf.  As soon as the next intriguing best seller came out, I bought it, tossing aside all the perfectly good books I already had.  When I started writing this blog, I had 76 unread books waiting for my loving eyes to read their pages and warm hands to hold them.  For a long time I kept track of titles I read.  Probably half of that 76 has been read, a few more given away when I started them and couldn't stomach more that the first chapter.  At least another 76 have made their way into my reading mind without ever being logged onto the list. 

The path that initially had me examining my bookshelf also got me to examine my life.  For a long time after closing the book I read before bedtime, I prayed for the will to stop drinking.  And every day at dinner, I reached into the refrigerator for a bottle of wine.  From my drunken stupor, I prayed some more.  And then one day I fixed dinner and set a glass of water in front of my place.  That was almost three years ago.

That first night, I went to bed and said thank you.  The next night, I asked for help me.  Unbeknownst to me, that first night was only the beginning of a long and painful journey.  But I made it down the road.  Oh sure, on days like today, when it's cold out, for some reason I crave a drink.  But I don't have one.  So many things are clearer in my mind.  It's so much more pleasant not driving through life in the fog.

I'll make it through my pile of books.  I'll read them, keeping the ones I love and passing along those I don't like quite so much. My love of books and the written word helped me to understand other shortcomings in my life.  Every book comes into my life for a reason and I promise I'm going to read them.  I know I can do it.  My books showed me the way. 

A Cure for Us All

I watched Charlie Sheen on the Today Show this morning.  The guy's got issues.  And a big ego that's keeping him from being in touch with reality.

He claims he's cured but he's still going to have a glass of champagne because that's what we celebrate with.  Really?  And all the Alcoholics Anonymous bashing.  It is really necessary?

I gave up alcohol with out the help of AA but that's not possible for everyone.  Richard's been sober for 11 years also without the help of AA.  But that doesn't mean we both didn't have to do a tremendous amount of soul searching.  The conversations with God are frequent and without a deep trust and faith in Him, I wouldn't have lasted even this long.  I don't keep track of the day I stopped or have a birthday or collect coins like someone in AA but I do know this.  The thought that I'd like a glass of wine pops into my head almost daily and I've been totally and completely sober for almost ten months.

So Charlie Sheen, don't brag that you're cured.  And don't bad mouth AA.  It's a fine, wonderful organization that helps millions of people find peace, love and harmony in their lives.  You may not believe it can work for you, but there is one think I know for a fact.  Sobriety is a long and winding road no matter how a person chooses to deal with it.  Different paths work for different people.  And I thank God every day He set me on the one that was meant to work for me.

Charlie Sheen, you have a lot of work left to do.  First off stop using your celebrity to spout off just because you can.  And don't for one minute think you can dabble in drugs and alcohol while calling yourself cured.   If you don't want to go to AA, then don't. But don't label it as useless when it clearly brings peace to so many.

I hope you find what works for you, I truly do.  Drugs and alcohol are a crutch that keep us from living life to our full potential.  What's in front of you may be even more amazing that what's behind you.  But I'll bet you haven't yet found the path that works for you.  Keep looking. And start praying.