In The Here and Now

I'm freaking out!!  I went to the computer to log in my most recent book review.  It brings me alot of pleasure to see one more title crossed of that list.  Usually.  This time I clicked on the file and got a message.

"Excel cannot open this file.  It may have been damaged."

What?  I tried to open it again.  Same message.  I tried to open it from the back up.  At first I couldn't find it and when I did, same message.  My hands started to shake and I thought I would be sick.

I'd put my heart and soul in that list.  I put all 76 unread books along with the authors on that list.  As I read a book, I'd log the date, the number of stars I gave it and who I sent the book to.  When I found more books around the house, I add them.  When I lost my willpower buying new books I'd add them.  The list kept me honest.  It was my sanctuary where I could see how far I'd come and how far I had yet to go.  And now it was gone.

I searched and scoured the computer trying to revive the file.  I'm pretty savvy when it comes to computers and the loss of my precious file is a mystery.  I clicked and scrolled until my fingers turned blue.  Nothing I did made it come back to life.  I slapped the keyboard.  Now I was mad as a hornet.

A thought came to my mind.  A thought I had a lot lately.  I need a glass of wine.  That will calm my nerves and I'll find the lost file easily.  It took all my energy to push that thought aside.  You see, I've been sober, alcohol free for the past six weeks.

Wine had taken over my life.  I didn't do anything without thinking about when I could pour myself a glass and then another and another.  Learning to exercise restraint over my piles of unread books helped me to see another addiction in my life.  For this I'm grateful.

So I took a deep breath, did a few deep knee bends and created a new list.  I didn't say to myself, 'I'll worry about that tomorrow'.  I didn't put it off so I could get drunk instead.  I dealt with it in the here and now.

I've recreated the list as best I could.  It got much longer I fear so I haven't been as steadfast as I thought I'd been.  Right now I'm at 83 and I just remembered another shelf I didn't log yet.  Yikes!!  And I'm still looking for those 2 books that have been missing for over a year.  I really want to read those.  I always look at them while in the bookstore but I'm able to resist buying them because I really believe they'll show up sometime soon.  I think I'll put them on the list this time.  Now that I'm finally in the here and now, I bet they are too.